Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
