i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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