we're chasing vodka with high fives
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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