the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Randomize
