Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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