i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
