I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
