plz talk dirty to me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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