You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Its about making memories worth repressing
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
