nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
