i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
