I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
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