when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
