in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
