i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
