and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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