Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
