You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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