I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
