Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
