3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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