burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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