My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
