go do what you do best...puke behind churches
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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