woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
