I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
