Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
