are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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