Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
