She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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