just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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