What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
