I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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