i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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