i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
