I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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