Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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