i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
