Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
