My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
