I should be sponsored by Trojan
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
