i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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