A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
