First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
