Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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