So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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