exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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