We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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