I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
