my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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