So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
