billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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